Being a survivor of domestic abuse doesn’t just change how we see safety – it often reshapes our relationships with our children. One of the most painful realities is how our relationships with our children can be impacted either directly or indirectly by abuse. Parental alienation – whether subtle or overt – can leave deep wounds in both parent and child.
What is parental alienation? It refers to situations where one parent, intentionally or not, influences a child to reject or distance themselves from the other parent, especially during separation or custody disputes. This might involve negative messaging, undermining authority, false accusations, or creating emotional rifts. CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) has highlighted the complexity of such cases, stressing that children’s voices and safety must be central.
When kids internalize these messages, it can manifest as confusion, anxiety, guilt, low self-esteem, and long-term relational trauma The NSPCC notes that emotional manipulation of children – whether deliberate or not – can have a lifelong impact on their wellbeing.
Abuse and Alienation
As domestic abuse survivors, our protective instincts are strong. Yet sometimes, simply shielding our children becomes misconstrued as alienation. Thankfully, there is growing awareness in the UK that recognises this dynamic.
In December 2024, senior judges in England and Wales confirmed that parental alienation arguments cannot be used to undermine genuine allegations of domestic abuse. This is a huge step forward, because for too long the term has been weaponised against protective parents, mainly mothers.
Women’s Aid and SafeLives have both campaigned on this issue, calling for family courts to be trauma-informed and to avoid treating protective parents as perpetrators of “alienation.” Instead, they stress that survivors play a vital healing role in their children’s lives.
My Story – Still Being Written
I’ll be honest: my relationship with my children has felt like navigating a mine field. Uncertain, emotionally raw, and full of questions. On the whole I have good relationships with most of my children but it’s complicated. One of my children has only just started speaking to me again but still won’t meet me. It was their birthday recently and I didn’t see him. That hurt deeply. It’s not alienation, but it is definitely a result of the abuse. I was not prepared for this particular journey! No one starts out parenting imagining that the relationship will completely break down in years to come. There is no manual when it comes to parenting, no smash the glass in an emergency, we simply have to do our best in any given situation!
I flip between “it’s all ok, give it time, it’s just a season,” There are nights when I spend hours praying for restoration of our relationship and alongside hope, there’s fear – fear that maybe I’ve messed up beyond repair. Did I do something deeply wrong? I’m still learning how to process that.
Mixed Emotions, Real Healing
To anyone else feeling this: your feelings are valid. You’re allowed to swing between “It’s okay” and “I must do something”. That very tension shows how much love and hope remain, even if the path forward isn’t clear.
Steps Toward Healing (Things that Help Me When I’m Stuck)
- Open communication
Simple messages (“I’m thinking of you… I hope you’re okay”) can open a door without pushing. - Write it down
Journaling your thoughts and patterns – what you say, when you reach out, how they respond – can help gain clarity. - Lean on support
Therapy, support groups, your faith community, trusted friends – you’re not meant to walk this alone. - Hold onto hope, gently
Restoration may not look like reunion overnight. But even holding space, praying, and reaching out occasionally matters. - Celebrate small wins
A brief text, a neutral reply, even just peace in your heart – that’s progress.
Journaling Prompts
1. Lord, what areas of my relationship with my children do I need to release into Your hands today?
2. Write a prayer for each of your children by name. What do you long for in their lives spiritually, emotionally, and relationally
3. How might God see me as a mother/father? What words of encouragement might He speak over me?
You Are Not Alone
If you are experiencing or have experienced domestic abuse and would like someone to talk to or to signpost to available resources and services, we’re here to support you.
Contact Sarah on 07853 216993 or email Restored@livingsprings.cc
