So, I suppose an apology is in order for going awol – a mix of overwhelm, lower capacity and business has culminated in me not putting ‘pen to paper’. Starting to write a blog entry became an insurmountable task in my head, and so the getting going became pretty tough. Surely it isn’t just me that can build a small task up in my head to a huge feat that requires an impossible amount of energy to begin, only to realise it was relatively simple once I did manage to get going. It definitely seems to be an exaggerated part of a neurodivergent life; normally the added pressure of letting someone else down is enough to push me into starting, but in this instance, it led to a head being well and truly buried in the sand instead.
At the time of my last post, I was sat in a place of ‘mum guilt’. Things have moved on since then – I have witnessed the love of God in a steady and quiet way recently as He has sat with me through trials and daily life. I can hear Him tell me He knows I am doing my best and that my best is good enough even when it doesn’t feel it. He has blessed me with small ‘wins’ amongst the challenges of every day that serve of small reminders of who He has made me to be and the strength I have. As much as it may not make sense, there’s this weird juxtaposition of feeling more comfortable in my weaknesses as my strength is more apparent. I have been finding it easier to lean on God and trust in 2Corinthians 12:9 more than ever.
2Corinthians 12:9: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
The school holidays are off to a great start – amongst the bickering and sickness there have been a ton of incredibly close family moments. Directly prior to the holidays I had an incredibly affirming moment at work in the way of being chosen for a role that my head said I don’t feel ‘good enough’ for. I’ve noticed how it has boosted my confidence a little. Our first holiday had five children on it – busy, for sure, but it makes for a very warm heart. For reasons outside of my control my husband had to go home early – rightly or wrongly I felt abandoned, rejected and not enough as those default emotions flooded in. Yet whispering quietly was a confidence that not only would I be okay, but that I already was. I organised and sorted a situation which was difficult and created a time of joy for myself and five children. Weeks earlier I think the circumstances would have overwhelmed me and left me drowning and yet I leant into God – I talked with Him openly about my fears and shortcomings and hurts – and He carried me. He showed me the strength I have always had but had started to doubt. He showed me the capable woman He has created that I had again started to believe couldn’t do anything alone. And when the going did get tough, His grace and power saw me through.
My anthem for the summer holidays: Phil Wickham, What an Awesome God.
“God is great, give Him all the praise
Hallelujah, Name above all Names”
