Leaving an abusive relationship can be the most confusing time for survivors. We feel like we should be relieved, elated even, to be finally free from a horrendous, potentially life-threatening situation yet instead we find ourselves in a whirlwind of emotions; guilt and shame, love and regret, anger and grief. It doesn’t make any sense, not to us and definitely not to those around us. But all these feelings are perfectly normal and what’s known as trauma bonding.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is a strong emotional attachment formed between a and their abuser. It’s not love. It’s a connection built through the repeated cycles of abuse. The cycle of hurt followed by showering us with affection keeps us from being able to think clearly. Our brains become susceptible to this pattern and begin to crave the good times. We hold onto hope that things will get better and blame ourselves when they don’t. Trauma bonding is difficult to recognise and even harder to break.
Signs You Might Be Trauma Bonded
- You make excuses for their behaviour, even though you know it’s wrong
- You feel you can’t leave, especially because you worry how it would affect them
- You feel guilty, ashamed, fearful at the thought of ending the relationship
- You believe the abuse is all your fault or that you caused it
- You believe their behaviour will change over time, even though you see the patterns
- You focus on the good times and minimise the bad
Why Is It So Difficult To Break Free?
It takes on average, seven attempts for someone to permanently leave an abusive relationship. That’s not because they’re weak or don’t want to leave – it’s because trauma bonding creates a powerful emotional hold. The mix of fear, hope, guilt, and confusion makes it incredibly hard to break free.
Abusers often isolate their victims, lower their self-esteem, and manipulate them into believing they are the problem. On top of that, the brain becomes wired to seek the “high” of the affectionate moments, even if they’re few and far between. It creates a cycle of dependency – one that feels impossible to escape.
Breaking the Bond
The first step is recognising that what you’re experiencing is trauma bonding – and that it’s not your fault. Healing starts with support: from trusted friends, a therapist, or a support group. It takes time, compassion, and space to rebuild your sense of self.
You may need to go no-contact or limit communication to protect your mental and emotional safety. Rebuilding your identity, rediscovering your voice, and reconnecting with people who love you are all part of breaking the bond.
There Is Hope
You can break free. You can heal. You are not alone.
If you’re reading this and recognising yourself in these words, please know that there is support available, and your story matters. Freedom isn’t just physical – it’s emotional, mental, and spiritual too.
Journaling Prompt:
Take some time today to reflect:
What parts of my relationship felt confusing or painful, even when things seemed “good”? How did I feel about myself during that time – and how do I want to feel moving forward?
You Are Not Alone
If you are experiencing or have experienced domestic abuse and would like someone to talk to or to signpost to available resources and services, we’re here to support you. Contact Sarah on 07853 216993 or email Restored@livingsprings.cc
