I’ve been pondering the words of Psalm 139 – most well-known (I assume!) for verse 13 and the start of verse 14:
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…
Yet it isn’t these verses that I have been sat with lately. Verses 7 to 10 read:
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Sometimes when life gets too much I want to hibernate. I want to run away from people, responsibilities and, dare I say, even God. I know in my heart that standing closer to God is always the best way – I can testify time after time how drawing near to God has transformed my life and situations for the better – yet, my instinct is still often to hide, to pull away from everyone and everything, and disappear!
Truth be told, that is where I have been sat. I’ve been struggling with a sadness that has been weighing heavy on my heart, and I don’t really know why. Life is so good – a new job, a great family, wonderful friends; I almost feel guilty for feeling bad! My instinct? It has been to pull away from the world!
Yet pulling away from God just isn’t possible.
Those verses in Psalm 139 show me that whatever I do, whether I am amid highs or lows, whatever my geographical location, and no matter if I have chosen to disconnect from people – there is no disconnecting from God.
That makes me feel so, so lucky.
It speaks volumes to me – there is a common theme around ‘being enough’ emerging as I journal and I touched on this previously in my past blog.
What better evidence is there of being enough than having a God that doesn’t leave?
If I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I am indeed enough, then I need to be gentler with myself about my instinct of pulling away. Pulling away and disconnecting from the world around me has been a survival mechanism for me on many occasions – it has kept me safe both mentally and physically at times in my life. God knows this – He knows why I do what I do, and He knows my heart isn’t to pull away from Him. It is okay that I protect myself in this way – after all, it is a part of how I was made. Yet, connection is a ‘better’ way for me now. Now I don’t live in emotional or physical danger, reaching out to those around me helps me process and reach healing better. Connecting to God when I struggle is inline with my key scripture:
2Corinthians 12:9: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
And so, I will keep trying – knowing that connection lifts me out of my sadness more readily than withdrawing does. Yet, as I try to change ingrained coping strategies, I will hold myself in a place of acceptance, of gentleness, and of appreciation that I am simply doing the best I can.
