My last blog I spoke the words:
Belonging is something I think we all crave; it’s something I struggle with daily.
And, remembering that the theme for my blog is:
2Corinthians 12:9: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
I set myself a challenge.
Can I just take a moment to soak in the fact I did it! I made a promise to myself, and followed through. It is relatively often that goals I set for myself, that impact my well-being and not the well-being of others, can be the ones that move down the priority list to the bottom. I suppose the journalling I did gave a little insight into why – and it all stems from doubting my identity in Christ.
It isn’t that my logical brain doesn’t believe the things the Bible says about who I am in Christ, it is that those voices that have spoken the opposite over me for years still manage to whisper into my heart.
So has my first week at a new job left me with this sense of comfort and belonging? No! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves! But in spending time in prayer and speaking the truth (scripture) over myself, I had a conscious awareness when I was there that the discomfort I felt was okay, that they weren’t a reflection of my worth, and that I had a right to be there with skills to offer. It was a conscious battle against imposter syndrome, rather than a passive loss. Progress indeed!
So, what next? My journalling led me to realise that the loudest voice that whispers in my head is to do with not being enough – to do with not having anything to offer. I realise that my childhood worth was based around quantifiable successes, and by contrast, a life of motherhood, prioritising relationships and limited work ‘progression’ goals makes my worth non-quantifiable. My years in an abusive relationship told me I had nothing to offer to anyone or anything, told me I was ‘worthless’ and that I was a burden in every area of my life. Also, my autistic brain loves tangible results – not fluffy concepts of ‘self-worth’. So how do I quieten the whispering that still leaves me feeling, at times, inadequate and build my belief that I hold worth?
Well, I turned to the experts.
Mind, the mental health charity, has an abundance of ideas on its website. A few of these include:
- Positive self-talk
- Celebrating small successes
- Practising self-compassion
- Doing nice things for yourself
I immediately jumped to, “Celebrate small successes”. I suppose that plays into my childhood belief that success is the quantifiable measure of my worth and wasn’t a healthy first reaction; as much as I am loath to try something new, I guess it is the only way that will lead to different results. I do nice things for myself – I have been encouraged by a friend to invest in this area of my life more readily, and so I do now carve out time for my personal health and fitness and I read more novels – although I have to keep this conscious as it can slip away in the business of day to day life. And so, I am going to go back to the positive self-talk as my new element.
What does that look like for me as a Christian woman?
Speaking truths over myself that I find in the Bible.
This helps the part of my brain that needs evidence and facts – as I trust the Bible as a reliable source – and the aim? Well, that is to simply let the voice of God drown out the whispering lies implanted by others.
After all, Psalm 139 tells me that:
I am worthy.
I hold value.
I am enough.
