One of the heaviest bags we carry is often guilt.
In this blog we are going to explore more around guilt and shame, what they are, how they affect us after an abusive relationship and how to begin letting go.
Guilt is often one of the heaviest bags we carry and the thing it can take longest to let go of. For me, guilt was overwhelming. I battled thoughts like:
- I should have ended the relationship sooner, I should never have let it get to the point it got to. – I could have stopped it… couldn’t I?As if I was somehow in control, as if my judgment wasn’t clouded by love, hope, fear! But the truth is, we can only ever do the best we can with what we know at the time.
- My children saw things they never should have seen– This one cut deepest and lingered for years and still raises its ugly head occasionally – I’d failed as a mother, I should have protected them from the trauma, what kind of a mother lets her children go through that?
- I broke up our family– even though it absolutely was the right thing to do, our family had been torn apart and the guilt was unbearable. That picture perfect family was no more and I grieved for what could have been but never would.
- I missed him– oh, this was a really confusing one, which brought a whole load of shame along with it – after everything, how could I possibly miss him, How could I miss someone who had hurt my children and me so badly yet I’d find myself wondering what could have been, what if I’d done things differently, what if I’d been a better wife, a better parent… In reality it was the idea of him that I missed. And missing him didn’t mean ending the relationship was a mistake, it just meant I was human!
What Is Guilt and Shame, and How Are They Different?
Guilt says – “I did something wrong.”
Shame says – “There’s something wrong with me.”
Feeling guilty is a completely natural emotion but it can become distorted in abusive situations as it can be manipulated, leading survivors to believe that we are responsible for the abuse.
Survivors often internalise the accusations from their abuser leading to deep feelings of guilt, shame and self-blame.
Our sense of self becomes distorted and it can be incredibly difficult to rebuild self-esteem.
How These Emotions Affect Us
When we experience low self-esteem, we can find that we begin to isolate ourselves, believing that our self-worth is tied to the abuse we endured.
We might withdraw from others feeling we are not good enough to spend time with them or fear their judgment.
Guilt and shame become the lens through which we see ourselves, it influences the choices we make, the relationships we chase and how we look after ourselves.
These emotions can lead to us over-apologising, taking responsibility for other people’s actions or struggling with boundaries.
We often avoid asking for help or support because we feel undeserving – or afraid of being judged.
Recognising The Lies We’ve Believed
One of the most powerful steps to healing is recognising the lies we’ve been told, the lies we have grabbed hold of and refuse to let go of, telling us we are the problem, that we provoked the harm, and that we are broken beyond repair.
These are lies.
God’s truth tells us a different story.
There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus – Romans 8:1
You are not to blame for someone else’s actions.
You are not broken.
You are worthy of love, respect – and healing.
Journaling Prompt
Take some time out to reflect.
What guilt or shame have I been carrying that doesn’t belong to me?
Write down any lies you have believed about yourself. Next to them, write what you now know to be true.
You might start with:
- The lie I believed was…
- But the truth is…
A Final Word of Hope
God sees your pain and walks with you in your healing.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds – Psalm 147:3
Your past does not mean you are not allowed to experience peace, purpose or joy.
There is hope – even after everything.
If you are experiencing or have experienced domestic abuse and would like someone to talk to, you are not alone.
We’re here to listen and support you. Contact Sarah on 07853 216993 or email Restored@livingsprings.cc
