It is week one of the two week Easter holidays and I’m reminding myself that Psalm 127:3 tells us that Motherhood is a gift: Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t always feel that way – I easily forget that I am handling my most precious possessions when it is 2am and I have been woken for the third time with toilet trips or sickness. When I am combing headlice out of the thick, long and curly hair of my girls, the ‘reward’ of motherhood doesn’t feel so great.
How can you admit that so openly? I can hear the question now. First hand I have experienced the backlash of stating that I find motherhood hard at times – the expectations thrown at me include that I should enjoy every minute of motherhood else I don’t love my children and that it is insensitive and disrespectful to state motherhood is something I would choose to escape at times given how many women can’t have children.
Rectfully, I disagree.
Burnout from being a Mum is real: the 24 hour a day, 7 day a week demand of giving fully of yourself is exhausting. When my girls were young, they struggled to settle and sleep. Allowing them to “cry it out” wasn’t an option for me, and so I spent hours lying with them whilst they drifted off and often again after being up in the night. During the day it was nappies and food and play and still trying to manage the rest of life’s demands (time to make a mental note on exploring the unseen load of a woman later!)
Giving is hard; statistics show that, even as gender equality takes strides forwards, that mothers still carry the main physical and emotional load for children. Up to 70% of mothers carry the biggest load of certain parenting jobs. What exactly does this entail?
Physical load
- Preparing meals (and being demoralised by the amount that small people waste!)
- Packing lunches
- Managing bottles and/or breastfeeding
- Cleaning – from wiping sinks to deep cleaning the fridge
- Washing, drying and sorting laundry
Mental load
- Managing schedules – parties, playdates, clubs, school trips
- Ensuring essentials are stocked
- Watching out for milestones being met
- Acting as a family timekeeper
- Researching equipment – which is the safest car seat? What height do they move up?
- Keeping a mental list of where every item is at every moment of the day
Add in the more individualised extras of being touched, feeling out of control watching your children have friendship issues, managing health conditions, supporting school issues and, in my case, fighting for SEND needs to be acknowledged and supported, I think it is fully acceptable to be exhausted and reach the point of wanting a break.
Dare I go as far to say that it is reasonable to have thoughts from time to time that maybe the whole ‘becoming a Mum’ thing was a mistake? Absolutely.
And that doesn’t mean I (you?) am not a brilliant mother, and it definitely doesn’t mean I don’t love my children an indescribable amount.
What it does mean is that I have weakness – and that is where Christ’s power shines through best.
2Corinthians 12:9: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
And so here is my boast… most days I consider myself a good Mum – I am attentive, I focus on connection, prioritise health and natural products – but sometimes (more regularly than even I would care to admit!) I get overwhelmed, overstimulated and experience Mum burnout.
So when burnout hits, what can I do?
Well – here it is. The Bible quote we all know so well.
Matthew 22:39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’
God’s commands are for us to keep, and they are manageable (Matthew 11:30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light), therefore I have to stop, and reflect on what I am missing. If burnout comes from loving your children (neighbour) continually, giving them your all, supporting their spiritual, mental, physical and emotional needs, then it isn’t the ‘loving my neighbour’ I am struggling with. That leaves one thing: I must be forgetting to love myself. I deserve the same love and care that I give to my children. Maybe it is my needs that are being neglected. What does that look like?
- Emotional– Am I reaching out to family or community for support? If possible, do I need to schedule some child free time to regroup and allow myself to wear one of my hats that isn’t ‘Mum’? Am I sharing openly about my struggles?
- Physical – Are my basic needs being met? Have I slept, eaten well, gotten fresh air?
- Mental– Have I prioritised small pockets of time in my life to ensure the things that fuel me are being seen to? Have I had adult company or a time of solitude, been for a walk, soaked in the bath, read a book, painted my nails – whatever works for me? (That is NOT painting my nails – my ‘me time’ usually ends up with grubby nails – nature is my place!)
- Spiritual– Have I sat with God and asked Him to show me what I can do to support myself? Am I inviting Holy Spirit into my day-to-day tasks? Am I chatting with Him whilst I change a nappy? Am I asking Him to step in and hold me whilst I pray about my girls having friendship issues at school?
But, mostly, do I actually believe that I am worthy of love, care and being looked after too?
That is definitely a struggle for me.
I write here as a part of the Restored team as Domestic Violence has been a part of my life. Looking back on the patterns of my childhood and early adulthood there has been a continual stream of negativity, strengthening my belief system that damages my sense of worthiness.
Maybe that sounds familiar? And so I will come to a close taking the time to bring it to God:
Lord, you made me as I am because You believe the world needs one of me in it. I don’t understand that – I struggle to understand how or why I add value to the world. Yet, even with my doubts, I trust You completely. Show me myself through your eyes and remind me that I am worthy of loving and taking the time to care for myself.
Lord, I thank you for the gift of my children. They bring so much joy to my life – motherhood is hard, but I am so grateful you entrusted me with my precious girls. Lord, sometimes I struggle and face burn out. Your power is at its most evident in my weakness – carry me as I carry the load of motherhood.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Statistics taken from: Pew Research Center. (2015, November 4). Raising Kids and Running a Household: How Working
Parents Share the Load. Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project.
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2015/11/04/raising-kids-and-running-a-household-how-working-parents-share-the-load/.
