The First Step Toward Freedom is Awareness
Sometimes we ignore red flags in a relationship, not because we don’t see them, but because we don’t want to believe they’re there. Sometimes we genuinely don’t see them because we don’t know what we’re looking for. Both can be true particularly if we have been in an abusive relationship, it can be hard accepting we have found ourselves back in the same situation we fought so hard to get out of. Likewise, when unhealthy, abusive relationships are all we have ever known, how do we know it’s wrong?
Learning to recognise the warning signs and being able to set boundaries is a big part of our healing and growth.
What Are Red Flags?
Red flags can be an early warning sign that something isn’t quite right in a relationship. This doesn’t necessarily mean in a romantic relationship – they can be present in family, friends and work relationships too.
Some common examples of red flags are:
- Your opinion and thoughts are constantly dismissed
- You feel anxious before seeing or speaking to them
- They make jokes at your expense, especially when other people are around
- They don’t respect your boundaries then accuse you of overreacting
- You feel like you have to explain or justify them to others
- Everything has to be done their way, there’s no room for negotiation or your wants and needs
If you are constantly second guessing yourself around someone – that’s a red flag too.
Why We Might Miss Red Flags
It can be difficult accepting red flags for a number of reasons. Sometimes we can see them all too clearly but we make a conscious or unconscious decision not to act on them.
- We may have been taught to avoid conflict and so instead of questioning behaviour we react with kindness, wanting to give them the benefit of our doubt.
- When we have had unhealthy relationships in the past, those experiences can mean that we normalise unhealthy behaviours.
- Society may have instilled in us values where we must make sacrifices for love and this is merely one of those sacrifices we must make in order to have a loving relationship.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
Boundaries shouldn’t be walls that are built to shut people out, they should be fences with gates. They are there to protect us but not to close us off entirely. Boundaries protect our peace, our values, our time and our energy.
Boundaries teach people how to treat us and can be as simple as telling someone; “I’m not available to talk this evening.” It’s ok if people don’t like them, in fact, very often, when we start setting boundaries, people don’t like it at all, because they are so used to us doing as they wish but now we are taking our power back. The right people will respect your wishes.
How To Start Setting Boundaries
Start with knowing your values, what really matters to you? What areas of your life do you feel you need to look at setting some boundaries? Start small, just making one small change can make a big difference. Expect pushback, know that it will happen sooner or later but don’t give in! Stand firm in your decision – you made it because it’s what’s best for you and you deserve peace. Be kind but clear and consistent, and be prepared to back up your words with action if your boundaries are crossed.
Red flags are not to shame you, they’re to warn and protect you. Having boundaries is not selfish. You are allowed to protect your peace and walk in truth.
Trust God’s guidance.
You are worthy of healthy, respectful relationships.
